50 Ways To Balance The Budget

Of course, this should be sung to the tune of Paul Simon's "50 Ways To Leave Your Lover".

----

"The problem is all inside your head"

She said to me

"The answer is easy if you

Take it logically

I'd like to help you in your struggle

To be debt-free

There must be fifty ways

To balance the budget"

She said, "It's really not my habit to intrude

Furthermore, I hope my meaning

Won't be lost or misconstrued

But I'll repeat myself

At the risk of being crude

There must be fifty ways

To be more shrewd

Fifty ways to balance the budget"

Take out the trash, Kash

Clean out the rot, Scott

Give 'em their notice, POTUS 

And clean out the deep state

Put ‘em on the street, Pete

Make ‘em take flight, Wright

Don’t let them be smug, Doug

Give our country back to us

Ooh, Kick ‘em in the pants, Vance

Give ‘em till dusk, Musk 

Root out their scams, Pam 

And clean out the deep state

Show ‘em the lobby, Bobby 

Don’t care that they cuss, Russ

Not even when they plea, Lee

Give our country back to us

The Hottest Times

I love the heat. My co-workers thought I was nuts for enjoying a 90-degree, 4-mile run on the bikeway over my lunch hour.  At the downtown YMCA, I regularly used the sauna and steam rooms, even jogging in place to work up a bit more sweat. I can lay out at the pool or beach under a blaring sun for hours without jumping in the water to cool off.  But as these four stories will detail, there were a few times when the heat got the best of me.

Perhaps the worst of these stories was somewhere back in the 1990s.  I signed up for an eight-mile run that started in Troy, Ohio, and went due north, ending in Piqua.  That in itself is strange as most races start and finish at, or very close to, the same location.  Several factors go into how hot it’s going to feel.  First and foremost is the temperature, and this day, it was in the 80s.  Second is the amount of sunshine and there wasn’t a cloud in the sky.  Third is wind direction and it was directly at our backs, doing little to help our perspiration evaporate and give us relief.  The fourth is the level of humidity which was gratefully very low that day.  As the race started, I found myself going out with the lead pack, something I’d never tried to do before.  So that extra effort was causing me to generate even more heat.  But the unfortunate surprise was we were running on fresh black asphalt which absorbed the abundant sunshine and took the temperature to the next level.  My body did everything it could to cope, but after about one and a half miles, I started seeing sparkles in my eyes, a sure sign of heat prostration.  I smartly moved to the side of the road and began walking.  At the next water stop, I drank as much as I could and shortly after that, the asphalt returned to a more normal and manageable gray.  Feeling better I began to run again, keeping my pace slow at first and gradually building back to my average race pace.  I finished the race tired and dehydrated, but solidly on two feet.  I usually grab a bottle of water or two, but this race offered Pepsi and other sodas.  I thought a Pepsi would be great, its water, sugar, and caffeine would be the perfect pick-me-up.  Probably so, but I overdosed on five of them and felt terrible.  This day was a great, albeit painful, learning experience.

Summer in Las Vegas is a heat-lovers paradise and back when I was in great shape I decided to go for a four-mile run from the Caesars Palace resort heading north a couple of miles before turning around and heading back.  It wasn’t a hard run as the sidewalks were fairly crowded and stoplights provided little rest stops along the way.  I didn’t feel overheated, wasn’t sweating much if at all, and felt pretty normal until I almost returned to Caesars Palace.  I was getting a little lightheaded at that point and was happy to be finished.  When I opened the door to a side entrance at Caesars, I felt a blast of frigid air.  I walked in without a bit of perspiration on my shirt, shorts, or socks.  It took several minutes to get back to my room and by the time I opened my hotel room door, I was drenched in sweat and my clothes were dripping wet.  That’s the lesson when running in ultra-low humidity.  You are sweating, but the air absorbs it all.  You might not recognize you’re dehydrated until it’s too late.  

When my kids were pre-teen, we had a summer family vacation at Disney World in Florida.  You can count on central Florida to be hot and humid with a half-hour downpour around 4:00 pm which cools things down temporarily but boosts the humidity.  Most years it’s manageable but this one particular year it was the mid-90s, full sun, high humidity, and no breeze.  Wanting to avoid any of us getting dehydrated, I was buying each of us 2-3 bottles of water every hour, not a cheap thing to do.  Waiting outside for a ride was the worst and even the misting fans were little comfort.  Every kid (and many adults) wants to stay all day at a Disney park, but by mid-afternoon, my kids just wanted to go back to the pool at Dixie Landings (now part of Port Orleans) and chill out.  I was very happy to oblige them.  They also loved that I bought them each a big plastic cup that could be refilled free all week long in the restaurant.  Best $9 (each) that I’ve ever spent.  Saved me a small fortune.

The hottest recorded temperature in Dayton, Ohio during my lifetime was Saturday, June 25, 1988.  I figured it would be a good time to play a round of golf at Kitty Hawk Golf Course in North Dayton that afternoon as I, correctly, bet few people would venture out in that type of heat.  My 12-year-old son wanted to join me and I said he could, not knowing how well he would take it, and I made sure we had refillable cups to replenish at the numerous water fountains on the course.  We were both sweating profusely and for the first few holes, he was running around enjoying the adventure.  But after that, he spent most of the time in the golf cart only enjoying the somewhat cooling breeze as we drove to the next shot.  It was tough to keep us hydrated and we were both completely soaked with sweat and happy when the round was over to get in the car and turn on the air conditioning full blast.  It was a learning moment of what not to repeat in the future.  And I haven’t.

The Coldest Times

As a kid, I never remember being cold and I loved to be outside for hours sliding down our sidewalk, having snowball fights, building snowmen, sledding, and catching snowflakes on my tongue.  But as I grew older I found myself tolerating the cold more than enjoying it.  Looking back over my life, I find I have some memories of being so miserably cold I wanted to get them written down.  So here I go.

Back in college, my girlfriend lived six blocks from my parents’ house and one winter’s night found the outside temperature about 20 degrees below zero with a stiff wind to boot.  I wanted to visit my girlfriend that night and knew better than to start my Opel Kadett in that cold.  I bundled up as best I could and trudged through the snow and wind in what seemed to take forever.  It was the first time in my life I realized that this type of cold could kill you, and after a couple of blocks, I knew I had to make a potentially life-and-death decision on whether to turn back or forage on.  I decided to continue, and when I stepped into her house, I realized I’d never loved warmth more than that.  I know I walked back home a few hours later, but I don’t remember the trip back having quite the suspense.  

The only frozen memory not related to the weather was passing my first kidney stone.  I left for work that morning knowing something was off and an hour later I was driven to Miami Valley Hospital doubled over in pain, not knowing the source.  As the doctors tried to determine what was going on, I lay on a table alternating between freezing and sweating.  When I was cold, I shook uncontrollably as they layered blankets on top of me to try to warm me up, which never did the job.  Minutes later I was sweating profusely and they took the blankets off to cool me down.  All that sweat contributed to the next cycle of freezing, making it even worse.  It’s a miracle I didn’t break a tooth, that’s how hard my teeth were chattering.  When the stone finally passed, so did the pain and the temperature swings, and putting that freezing behind me was most appreciated. 

I’ve run a lot of miles in my life, about enough to circle the equator twice, and there were times I just wasn’t smart enough to stay inside.  The first extreme cold experience was running with my buddy Jim.  This particular day was bitterly cold, snowy, and windy.  We took off from the YMCA and headed north on the west side of the Great Miami River bike trail towards Helena Street.  There was nobody to be seen, not even driving cars, it was so nasty outside.  It turned bitterly cold when we started back south on the east side of the river with the wind blowing so hard it would knock our ankles together, a painful collision of bone on bone.  By the time we finally made it back to the YMCA, Jim’s mustache was solid white.  Fortunately for us, a trip to the steam room warmed us back up.

Back when I was dating Elaine, I convinced her to run with me on the Great Miami River bike trail on a day with single-digit temperatures and 20-mile-per-hour winds.  I told her the first half-mile would be cold but our bodies would warm up after that and we would be comfortable.  Perhaps it was blind love and wanting to spend time together that made us ignore just how nasty the weather was.  After that first half-mile, we were still freezing cold but persisted for another mile before heading back to the car.  By the time that run was done, our eyes, ears, lungs, feet, and about everything else were frozen.  It’s a miracle we didn’t have frostbite.  She thought I was hazing her and this was a test to see if she was worthy to marry.  It wasn’t, but she was, and to this day I count my blessings she didn’t dump me over this.

We’ve been to more football games than we can count and we’re greeted with splendid weather for most games, particularly in September and October.  But as the following four brutal memories over ten years will demonstrate, no game is exempt from Mother Nature’s ice-cold grip.  

We attended a Ball State Cardinals versus Miami Redhawks football game in Oxford, Ohio back on November 23, 2012, a unique game because Elaine’s sons were either coaching or on the football staff of each college, and one game we couldn’t miss.  Like many late-season football games, this was a frigid affair and we bundled as best we could against the brutal cold.  Late in the game, there was a chance it could go into overtime and that was flat-out scary.  Fortunately, that did not happen (Ball State won) and we didn’t have to choose a fight (stay in our seats) or flight (run to our car) scenario.  At the end of the game, it took about 15-20 minutes for the coaches to be available to chat for a moment, and we headed inside to get out of the wind and try to warm up a little.  That didn’t work, but we found a room where we could completely get out of the wind and waited, still freezing.  They finally showed up and after a nice chat, we made the hour drive back home, the heater blasting at its highest setting.  That helped some, but we were still shivering when we got home, but a half-hour in the hot tub finally vanquished the chills.

Ball State’s schedule in 2014 included an October 2nd game at West Point, New York to play the Army Black Knights.  The call went out to Elaine’s family to see who would like tickets and about thirty people decided to join us.  We flew into Stewart International Airport on Friday, grabbed our rental car, checked into our hotel, and spent a couple of hours on the most beautiful, sunny, mid-70s afternoon driving through the beautiful West Point campus.  But by the time the game started on Saturday, it was miserable, rainy, and cold.  We all had ponchos to attempt to keep us dry, but as the game progressed, we all got wetter and colder.  By halftime, over half of our group had left the misery for the Newburgh Brewing Company where we had a room for our group.  We lost more folks as the game moved into the fourth quarter and it looked more and more like Ball State would lose the game, which they did, 33-24.  By the end, only three of us remained.  Elaine’s 88-year-old mother Marge stayed to the bitter end because she wanted to talk to her grandson no matter what.  Of course, Elaine stayed with her mother and I stayed because I’m not stupid.  But after a couple of beers in the warm confines of the Newburgh Brewing Company, we put the loss and the chills behind us.

Of these stories, the least miserable was the October 26, 2019 game in Valparaiso, Indiana when the home team Crusaders played the Stetson Hatters.  It took us longer to get to northern Indiana than expected, and we didn’t get to the stadium until the end of the first quarter.  We had tickets waiting for us at Will Call, but the workers abandoned their post by then to seek a warmer climate.  We had to walk up to the attendant at the gate to explain the situation, and surprisingly, he let us into the stadium without tickets.  A guess he figured if we were nuts enough to want to watch the game in those conditions, we were likely telling the truth or simply felt sorry for us.  We cheered our team to a 19-10 victory, the only win of Valpo’s season.  It probably helped that Stetson is located in Deland, Florida, and ill-prepared for the wintry game that hit them in the face.

You would think by now we would have learned to avoid late-season football games. Still, when Elaine’s son’s Duke Blue Devils came to play the Pittsburgh Panthers (her family is from the ‘Burgh) on November 19, 2022, we decided to take the chance, and again, we got burned (actually quite the opposite).  We were again flanked by many family members on a sunny day with 30-degree temperatures and a wicked, bone-chilling 15-mile-per-hour wind that swirled through Acrisure Stadium.  I was so happy when halftime came so I could huddle inside the stadium and feel my toes again.  The second half was worse, concluding with Duke losing a close game by the score of 28-26. 

Remembering Shadow

I met Shadow the first time I went to Elaine’s house as we started dating.  A barking dog of fifty pounds greeted me and it was clear she wanted to chase off this stranger to protect her mommy.  For the most part dogs and cats like me and I have various stories of how I was told their pet would stay away only to have them unexpectedly make an appearance and sometimes even quickly accept me.  But Shadow was a tougher nut to crack and I finally won her over by keeping a box of Iams doggy biscuits in my trunk and bringing her a treat every time I made an appearance at the front door.  She would grab the biscuit and quickly retreat to munch it in a few seconds.  The way to her heart was through her stomach.

Shadow demanded two daily walks and our routine was Elaine would walk her in the morning before work and I got the evening shift.  The normal route was a 0.7-mile loop from our house to Renwood to Hollendale to Rose Bower to Marshall and back to Larriwood.  It was a combination of her stopping over and over to smell whatever dogs like to smell and using all her strength to make us walk even faster.  This stop-and-go was a good workout for us also and on most walks, we enjoyed it as much as her, except when the temperature dipped below freezing or thoughtless neighbors would not shovel their sidewalks.  

Shadow did like the snow and she would come in after needing a backyard potty break with her black fur covered in white snow.  The exception to her love of snow was the year we got two-and-half feet in February along with freezing temperatures that kept that pile around for weeks.  The snow was deeper than her legs were long so I shoveled a path from the backyard patio to the back fence and then halfway down that fence.  She didn’t quite get what I had done, so I had to put her on her leash and pull her down the path to get her familiar with it.  After a week I felt sorry for her so I shoveled again to create a loop around the backyard.  Shadow walked to her previous stopping point then turned around and came back.  Again I had to put her on her leash and drag her around the entire loop to get her to understand.  I wasn’t going to waste all that extra effort for nothing.

Like all dogs, Shadow didn’t like rabbits, squirrels, or any critter invading her territory.  On one beautiful spring day, I discovered a rabbit nest in the backyard and found about eight babies, each about two inches long, and no mother in sight.  Shadow tried to get close enough to eat the babies, but I sternly told her no and she complied.  Each time she was left outside she would slowly circle the nest getting closer with each pass thinking she could get close enough before I could chase her off.  But I would let her see the babies and sniff around, always careful to keep her far enough away.  One day I laid on the grass on my back and put the babies on my chest so Shadow could get a closer look and smell for a few minutes and then returned them to the nest.  Baby rabbits grow incredibly fast and after about two weeks they decided it was time to leave the nest and take off on their own.  When Shadow saw them make a beeline for the back fence, she went crazy.  All her little friends were leaving her behind.  She went so far as to try to leap the back fence at its low point, getting painfully caught halfway over, and making me rescue her.  For several days after she would patrol the backyard looking for her buddies she had come to love.  The neighbors didn’t appreciate that we had more rabbits lurking about, but the hawks did.

Shadow’s morning walk during the workweek wasn’t a problem, but try sleeping in on the weekend and she would whine at the bedroom door.  It started low and infrequent, building and building until you couldn’t ignore her.  We always kept the bedroom shut and we figured out that the whining was partially due to her being closed out.  So we started keeping the door open a few inches so she could see us and that delayed her “I need to go outside now” shining for maybe another half-hour, granting us some well-deserved minutes of slumber.

Shadow’s nickname was “fence-jumper” and I’m told when she was young she was quite the escape artist, clearing fences at ease.  Elaine and her young sons, usually at the most inconvenient times, would drive around the neighborhood to fetch her back.  I never experienced the “fence jumper”, but on a snowy day, I found out how devious she could be.  I was shoveling the driveway and sidewalks and let Shadow join me, off leech, figuring I could keep an eye on her and stop her if she tried anything.  At one moment she was sniffing through a snow pile and the next she was gone.  Panic grew inside me that I would never be forgiven, particularly after I was warned, if she was gone for good.  We looked all over the neighborhood to no avail.  Then she came trotting up the sidewalk with what I swore was a big grin on her face, acting like she had done nothing wrong.

She did not like loud noises and between Elaine’s screaming at football games and my shouting “BOOM!” when my team hit a three-pointer, she wanted to get away.  Shadow would make a beeline for the door and demand she be let out.  She could bark as loud as she wanted, but the humans had a limit.

Shadow spent a lot of her final days in the basement.  In retrospect, she probably wanted to be alone with her illness and that’s how she dealt with it.  One day we found her at the bottom of the stairs having a seizure.  I carried her up the stairs knowing the end was near.  Not wanting her pain to linger, we had her put down.  The crying goes away, but are memories of her are forever.

The Best of 2024

This is the fourteenth year that I’ve collected dozens of the best experiences throughout the year.  2024’s list contained thirty-five entries and as usual, there were ones that were certain top tens and a bunch that contended for the last few inclusions.  Elaine and I made a record fourteen trips in 2024, some to see the grandkids, others to watch football, visit family, or even learn some history.  As I tell people, we put “tired” in the word “retired”!  We start with one of America’s most scenic locations.

10.  Niagara Falls

Elaine’s son Brian and his wife Deborah moved from Indianapolis to Buffalo when he accepted the Safeties & Nickels coaching job at the University at Buffalo.  We made our second trip to Buffalo in September to watch his team play the University of Massachusetts, which resulted in a 34-3 win for the Bulls.  The day before we spent an hour on Goat Island with Deborah to see the spectacular Niagara Falls.  There are three falls, the largest being Horseshoe Falls which dumps about 2.5 billion gallons of water over its crest per hour, far more than the smaller American Falls and Bridal Veil Falls.  It was a beautiful sunny day and the rainbows created by the mists were huge and stunning.  Next time we won’t forget our rain ponchos.  

9.  Little Big Town Concert

One of the few big-name country bands we hadn’t seen over the years is Little Big Town, who have hits including “Day Drinking”, “Better Man”, “Pontoon”, “Little White Church”, and “Wine, Beer, Whiskey”.  We quickly grabbed floor seats with Elaine's sister and brother-in-law when we saw they were playing at PPG Paints Arena in November with opening acts by Sugarland and The Castellows.  Little Big Town is comprised of the husband-and-wife duo of Karen Fairchild and Jimi Westbrook, Kimberly Schlapman, and Phillip Sweet.  We drove down early, had beers at PreGame, saw the concert, and ducked out a bit early to avoid the rush.

8.  Las Vegas Bowl

The Texas A&M Aggies went 8-4 during their football season making them bowl-eligible in the first year of Elaine’s son Pat as their Special Teams Coordinator.  That game was the Las Vegas Bowl on December 27 at Allegiant Stadium.  We flew out on Christmas Eve, had dinner at The House of Blues in the Mandalay Bay hotel, and spent Christmas morning watching our grandkids, Griffin and Joey, open their presents.  We walked the Strip every day, had a nice dinner at the Rí Rá Irish Pub, and watched the sharks, rays, turtles, and other creatures of the sea at the Shark Reef Aquarium.  The football ended on a sad note, a last-minute 35-31 loss to the USC Trojans.

7.  Main Street in Williamsville

Williamsville is the village just north of Buffalo that Brian and Deborah moved to.  From their apartment, you can walk up through Glen Park and along Ellicott Creek as it falls over the Onondaga Escarpment, forming the 27-foot-high Glen Falls, to reach Main Street.  We ate and drank at many places along a half-mile stretch including Glen Park Tavern, Britesmith Brewing Company, Moor Pat (Tap Room spelled backward), Creekview Restaurant, and The Irishman Pub & Eatery.  During our July trip, bands play at a dozen or more venues creating a festive atmosphere.

6.  Silent Disco

In February, we went on a 7-day Caribbean Cruise, with stops in Nassau, Bahamas, Cozumel, Mexico, and Georgetown, Grand Cayman.  The journey to Fort Lauderdale was nerve-racking as detailed in the blog “At Least We Made It”, but after that things calmed down, and while the weather was cooler and rainier than we hoped, we had a good time with family and friends.  We spent a fair amount of time in the middle of the ship in an area known as the Martini Bar and one evening we were introduced to a Silent Disco.  Each participant received a pair of noise-canceling headphones that could play one of three channels, each blasting a different genre of music.  Imagine hundreds of people singing at the top of their lungs, unable to hear each other, and dancing together.  Each channel selection used a different color, so you could meet and mingle with people who shared your taste in music.  It was a total blast!

5.  Bear Creek Golf Club

We took a 16-day road trip from mid-September through the first week of October, something we had never attempted before.  We called it the History and Beach Tour and some other highlights are below, but we’ll start with golfing on Hilton Head Island at the Bear Creek Golf Club.  There are a lot of golf courses in Hilton Head, and most are pretty pricey and very nice.  We found a moderately priced course for our first round, but it was far from nice.  Our next choice, Bear Creek, was affordable, well-kept, and a good challenge.  They had a good driving range with all the balls you wanted to hit.  The course had tall pine trees, plenty of bunkers, left and right dog-leg fairways, and intimidating water hazards.  It was nice that we brought our golf clubs from home and did not have to rent unfamiliar equipment.  Tough and beautiful is a great combination for golf and we enjoyed playing those nine holes.

4.  Salsa Making and Salsa Dancing

Our one booked excursion during the Caribbean Cruise was on the Mexican island of Cozumel.  We started with a bus ride to a Mexican market to buy tomatoes, limes, and other ingredients before heading to Playa Mia to make our homemade guacamole and pico de gallo, making them as spicy as we liked.  We learned a few moves of traditional Mexican salsa dance and sipped a variety of alcoholic drinks before heading back to the ship for another day at sea.

3.  Touring Monticello 

Monticello was Thomas Jefferson’s primary plantation, located a few miles southeast of Charlottesville, Virginia.  Jefferson designed it to look smaller than its 11,000 square feet spanning three floors and a cellar.  We opted for the Behind-The-Scenes Tour, a 90-minute adventure that includes exploring the upper floors that are accessed by very narrow, steep staircases, and the cellar which contains the kitchen, smokehouse, icehouse, wine and beer cellars, and other storage areas.  We passed the small cemetery on the walk up to the house and found the grave of Jefferson.  His mother Jane, his wife Martha, daughters Martha and Maria, and other family and close friends are also buried there.  To make our journey shorter the next day, we drove from Monticello to a hotel south of Richmond, Virginia for the night.  We traveled to North Myrtle Beach, South Carolina the next day and had a delightful time there with Byran and Diane Lebovitz before heading to Hilton Head.

2.  Touring Gettysburg

Gettysburg has been a bucket list item for quite a while and we planned our 16-day History and Beach Tour around finally getting there.  We started with a two-hour Battlefield Bus Tour, visiting numerous fields, monuments, and ridges. The three-day Battle of Gettysburg was fought between Union and Confederate forces between July 1 and July 3, 1863.  We visited Cemetery Ridge, Little Round Top, Culp’s Hill, and others. We learned how the battle unfolded and how the final day’s Pickett's Charge by the forces under General Robert E. Lee failed to break the Union lines at Cemetery Ridge, forcing them to retreat.  We toured the National Military Park Museum and an emotional late-afternoon walking tour of the National Cemetery where thousands of Union soldiers are buried.  

1.  The 38-23 Texas A&M win over LSU

We picked months in advance which Texas A&M football game would be our first at Kyle Field in College Station, Texas, and it was the perfect choice.  We were among the 108,852 people who packed into the stadium to watch the 14th-ranked Aggies take on the 8th-ranked LSU Tigers.  Everything was first-rate, from parking in the coach's lot to entering through the Athletic Offices to the seats on the 47-yard line in the 17th row, the best I’ve ever had for this big a game.  LSU had a 17-7 half-time lead, but after the first series in the second half, the second-string quarterback, Marcel Reed took over the offense and he ran for three straight touchdowns giving the Aggies a lead they would never give up.  The place was so loud you had to scream in someone’s ear to be heard.   Final score: 38-23.